Feelings of queasiness

I had a busy morning with Samantha, running around after her.  Mikey had a good time with her.  We played with all sorts of things and she and I did lots of French work.  Her dad came over for lunch and he ended up putting her down for her nap. It is day five of Daddy Boot Camp (DBC).

I went for a swim while Chicken Cacciatore was made in my kitchen.  One of the tremendous benefits of having Mike home is not only his effervescent personality, but also his ability to put amazing meals together!

I thought I had a subject for today and realize that I am confused.  How are things going in our adjustment to a new life?  Well!  We are now registered for the GRE and for a basic skills test and Mikey has been dialoguing with numerous people about his future plans.

I feel good about the pace of things.  I know it is dangerous to expect too much, there is frankly, too much at stake.  We need to take one day at a time.

Samantha is still sleeping and here I am.  How do I feel?  Other than a nagging feeling that my blood pressure is higher than it should be, and it is, I feel great.  Emotionally, how do I feel?  I feel emotionally queasy.

The ramifications of Mikey’s bad choices seem to be as under control as they could be.  The ramifications of the demise of the family business are still nagging at me.  I cannot put my finger on it.  It is just that I am noticing things that are not making me feel good about it.  Standard procedure in this family is to pull together and be together.  As it has been happening, if one son is over, the other is not. 

Family businesses are notorious for bringing about discord.  When we initially heard that the boys were thinking of it, we knew immediately of some of the negatives that could come to pass.  That pretty much didn’t happen at all.  Things were pretty much worked out and essentially each did what was dictated by his particular expertise.

The business failed.  Actually, I should put that in a better light, the business was let go when it was clear that the economical handwriting was on the wall.  That is never an easy decision.  It is totally a victim of this economy because we know so many businesses that have been around for forty or more years or so that are feeling a terrible pinch and often succumbing like our family’s business.

What happens when the decision to fold up the business is that it always brings about the feelings of abandonment.  There is always the feeling that one did something wrong.  It is akin to the feeling parents have when they have seemingly done everything right and something goes wrong with one or more of their children, like what happened to Mikey. The trouble is that instead of looking inward for reasons of failure, one should try and close the door on the past experience and move on.  This is easier said than done.  The anger that one justifiably feels in such situations can also be turned on the partner and/or family.  That is natural.  I know that early on in our marriage I had many frustrations, my preparation for what I needed to do in adult life was less than perfect and my emotional make up was not always up to the challenges.  I did lash out unfortunately, at my family at times and I was not always easy to live with. 

I do feel guilty about my anger management in younger days. It is not that I was totally out of control, it is just that I had bouts of moodiness and I didn’t always know how to handle some of life’s pressures.   I so wonder and always have whether or not there might be ramifications in my children.  What I have seen for the most part is that most characteristics seem very genetically based and that environment is a lesser factor.  Nonetheless, I have always done my best to be reasonable and to conquer my demons.

I know, for a fact, that I am worrying more about all these things than I should, but that is who I am.  My second grade teacher, upon meeting me, told me what a “worry wart” I was.  I have done my best to put that aside, but again, easier said than done.

My biggest concern is that with my continued dialogue with all of my adult sons, I have gotten assurances that things are okay.  I have been given the promise that the past is going to be put aside and sealed up as we open up the chapter on the present day and the future.  I somehow have a nagging doubt within me that that is really happening.  I am oh so disturbed because promises are sacred to me and I thought that my sons comprehended this.  I am concerned that their promises to be reasonable are falling victim to our economic times.

Emotional wellness is very important to me.  It is as important if not sometimes more important than the physical side, which can sometimes be treated with medication.  But how do you soothe a soul?  How do you tell someone that moving on is the correct option and that harboring ill will is a serious negative?  How do you get someone to move on?  How do you get someone to seek help when he/she doesn’t want to?

I am rambling terribly and probably making no sense.  I am also writing about things which may have no reason to be discussed since they are only the thoughts of a dad who worries that his family is attempting to put on a good face when in fact it is crumbling.  I have no real data to support my fears, but somehow I am uneasy. 

I need to be soothed.  We need closure.  We need to delete any bad feelings and move on.


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