Soul searching on Day Thirteen of rehab

Thank goodness, today I slept until almost 8:00 am, pretty unheard for me.  I am confident that the reason it occurred is because of the few hours the previous night.  The odd thing is that yesterday I had no desire to take a nap.  As the evening progressed and we watched a Jeff Daniel’s movie, I had no desire even to doze, also out of ordinary in such conditions.  In fact, as MK and I read in bed before going to sleep, I was just not getting to the point of being sleepy.  I finally caved in, realizing that perhaps that sensation was not going to arrive.  I did fall asleep, but it was one of those moments where my mind told me I was just thrashing around, unable to fall asleep, when in fact I WAS asleep.

I woke up, tiptoed around, hoping to spare MK my wakefulness and did my morning routine.  I sat down to coffee, never managing to get to the point of getting the Sunday paper, being instead mesmerized by the blogging situation.  I couldn’t help allowing my competitive nature enjoy the 2010 blog report, which came as a total surprise.  Little did I know in September that this would become my latest “addiction.”  Little did I know the importance that it would take in my life. 

I did not begin this venture to see how successful my stats would be, I did it to put down in print some of the stories I have been telling ad infinitum.  I am hoping that I will not continue to annoy my family with them as the old guy who keeps repeating himself.  Seeing them in “print” means that I won’t have to continually retell them.

One day in December the writing and reflections took on new purpose as our family took on the task of collectively embracing and caring for a member who had gotten lost in the crowd.  The question originally was whether or not I would write about our trauma and it took me very little time to decide that I had to, for oh so many reasons.

Mikey was great yesterday when we saw him and he is ready to depart the clinic.  He reminded us that he could leave at any time, that it was a voluntary situation but that he realized  he “needed” to stay there to completion.  His soul searching has taken many different turns and he has reached a good point.  He has new career plans and possibilities and is anxious to get on with them and in an environment where he has a network of support.  He has a new view of the Midwest and of why he wants and needs to be here.  We are proud of him.

I am equally proud of my family.  This has not been easy and isn’t going to be easy as we proceed with caution and rebuild day by day.  Every family member has been in a transition of sorts.  Christian and Richie with their new career options that came with the dissolution of the family brickpaving business; Laura, Christian’s wife, who is at a turning point in her career of clinical psychologist; Emily, Richie’s fiancée who has just started her teaching career; we all seem to be at pivotal points. Now, as we pretty much all “transition” we must work on rebuilding the family unit around our member who has had a “rough go” at it.  Actually, I am convinced that our continued focus on him will make our transitions all that much easier.

So, here we are, almost at commencement, it begins tomorrow somewhere around 10:00 am as we gather Michael from the clinic and start anew.

My morning had the fun start of the “2010 Blog Report” which was accompanied by a beautiful comment to one of yesterday’s entries into blogdom:  “I am certifiably _______________ (you fill in the blank)!  I was totally emotionally “decked” by the kind words of a reader.  I hung on every word of his comments.  It completely touched me and I am going to put the jist of my response (with a few changes) to it in the words that follow, not being sure that it will be noticed.

Your words have touched me in a way that surprised me. It is like the cliché, “the icing on the cake.” Every day I get up and wonder what the day is going to bring in terms of handling the situation that has been put on our plate. Soul searching has gone on almost without my knowledge, it has become like breathing, I don’t even think about it. I am convinced that every Koerner has been doing the same. Each and every participant in our drama has brought something to the table, something for us all to share, something for us all to meditate on. Life is a journey and it is very difficult when you are alone. We are not alone, that is very evident from the consistent outpouring of support from everywhere, even from across the Atlantic.  Our life journeys need to take what we have been given and deal with it in a most positive way. Location is not the key to addiction; addiction is within, for whatever reason. We all have addictions, we all have things we have to deal with, everyone has a unique set of problems.

My whole life has been led with the goal of being able to be my best and to make the best of what I have to work with and being a good father was and is on my list of things I must absolutely do my utmost to achieve success. As the existentialists have said, in the end we shall be judged as a sum of our actions, nothing more. Your words truly make tears come to my eyes and make me think that yes, I am doing my best here to bring home Mikey. I thank you ever so much!

So, to all of you, on this day two, day thirteen of rehab of the year 2011, thank you for all of your kind support!  It truly makes a difference!




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