As usual, my whirring mind was going non-stop as I baked the final batch of cookies. Meditation was at work as I rolled the sticky balls of molasses cookies and coated them with red or green sugar before baking.
I have said before that things happen for a reason and I firmly believe that. It is not possible to comprehend and/or understand why these things occur. In September, I started blogging, for the first time in my life. I had tried it a bit before, but it wasn’t right and I gave up after a few entries. This time, for whatever reason, it was right.
Everyone mourns a unique, special way. We need to be respectful of that and, as in most cases in life, non-judgmental, something most of us have an issue with. I see in my family that we are all in mourning. No one has died, thank goodness, but a part of our lives has. We can no longer go on and expect that everything in certain areas is going to be all right. There is a new paradigm here and we all need to acknowledge it. In my family, I see that each individual has reacted differently, some pulling inward, some expressing visible anger, some taking charge and becoming energized with things to do to clear things up so we can move on. It is hard when we all come together because we might, full well, knock heads. We cannot afford that reaction as we have to be on the same page.
I was very upset during the family dinner (on the evening of the day when we learned of the addiction) when emotions pretty much got out of hand and we “lost it” for a moment. I was distinctly upset because I actually had a handle on it and it seemed like I wasn’t being heard. I was being heard, but it was a delayed reaction of sorts. It was very hard to take. Again, now in retrospect, I realize that we all have to deal with things as our minds dictate and that often it is beyond our control.
I feel that things are coming together in a good way. We have a long voyage ahead. If one were to see me silently sobbing here as I write this, tears falling down my face, it might be a total surprise as I seem to be ‘in control.’ It is a momentary lapse and it is okay. This isn’t the last time I shall feel like this.
Digression seems to be my modus operandi and I have gotten away from my original thought about blogging. I am convinced that somehow I was mentally preparing for all of this when I started writing in September. Something told me that this would be something of solace and catharsis for me and hopefully for my family members as well, if they are not angry at me for attempting to point out how they were reacting to all of this as we passed through it. It is interesting that the word “catharsis” is actually on my home page. We are all scared as we muddle through this, hoping that we make good decisions and choices and that their ramifications are good. I am truly hoping that my youngest will read this at some point in time and try to get a better handle on how we felt as we went on this journey with him and hoped and prayed that he would recover and go into remission.