Another kind of Loss and Regrets


I have been a very blessed human being in so many ways.  I was genetically predisposed to so many little bits of negativity.  I sometimes think that it is in the often sad Hungarian blood that courses through my veins.  It is a sadness borne out in the violin music typical of my heritage.  But, I am blessed, blessed that I think that more often than not I have trained myself to look at the good side and keep the bad side in perspective.

I have had my share of ups and down in life.  Haven’t we all?  It is all how you look upon these events and I must say that my deep personal philosophy is that even the worst scenario has some shred of good, something to learn, something to move on from in a positive way.

I honestly thought I wouldn’t be here on this earth at the age that I wear.  From a very early age I pondered what would happen to me at the age of forty.  For some goofy reason, I felt that I was living in a time bomb.  We are all, in fact, living in time bombs, we just don’t know when they are going to go off and we put the idea on hold; we need to do that to go on.  My idea of a time bomb was that my Dad died when he was forty and that forty was my number.  There is no logical reason for me to have thought like that, but we are not always logical, reasonable creatures.  One call to a customer service number for any number of enterprises will make you well aware of that within seconds; just being on hold will do it.

My mother had always reminded me that I “was living on borrowed time.”  Even in her current state of memory loss, she will still tell me the story of how I almost died.  I was quite young, in a crib, and my paranoid mom (and thank goodness for paranoia) was in my bedroom checking on me during the night when she realized that I was very cold and had turned blue.  I had had a cold or something like it and was okay when I went to bed, but…  She immediately ran for my aunt, I am not even sure where my aunt was, I think that it was either in the upper part of the abode (it was a kind of duplex house with one apartment just above ground floor and one above that, type of situation).  I am not sure about where my father was, I do know my aunt and uncle had a car.  Well, this aunt, a very sad, flawed, wonderful person who had a short life herself, Aunt Helen, apparently gave me artificial respiration as they drove to the hospital.  She saved my life.

This all brings me to my regrets in life.  I really don’t have many, as I said, life has had its tough moments but I have been a lucky soul.  My regrets are quite simple:  relationships that have floundered and/or dissipated to the point of being empty.  I have a very French/European attitude about friendship and I truly feel that we have very few true friends. That is okay.  Most of our friends (in the American sense) are truly acquaintances or acquaintances plus, if I can say that.  A true friend will be there for you, like my aunt, when you really are in need, always, no questions asked.  I haven’t had all that many of those, which is very normal.  I have had family members who have not fulfilled my idea of how family should operate.  I have done my best to try and recoup family situational losses with mixed results.  With my acquaintances on the road to being friends and even with some friends, I have been at a loss because we have lost contact or our connections have weakened considerably. The Internet has been helpful because it can help us reconnect.  As a family patriarch, and I have to say I would never have believed that I would become one, I have been working hard at putting out little family fires that are malignant and causes of horrible and unexpected family strife when not dealt with, thank goodness for “pretirement*.”

A case in point just occurred last night as I once again, for the umpteenth time, tried to find a lost friend via an Internet social connection site.  Would you believe that I looked at the picture, showed it to Mary Kay and we agreed that it was him!  I have not heard from him in oh so long, had always thought (in my naïve way that we would always be in touch, and this was not the case.  I sent him an invitation to be my “friend” to see if, in fact, we were right, that that was in fact him and this morning I received a reply that it is him.  The reply came with a “we need to catch up” and a phone number.  Life is, as the old cliché says, GOOD!

*just in case this looks like a typo, it is not!  “Pretirement” is my way of saying that I have retired from my Educational career, but am in no way “retired” and have no intention to be.  I am still working (and currently looking for a main job, as the ‘Recession’ has hit)!


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